Pilates & Roads Signs According to Massholios


Alas, the busted bootay has prevented yet another week of running. As someone who’s accustomed to being quite active regularly, you can imagine that I’m quickly nearing my point of “Please God, let me just do some cardio!” But before I cave to the incessant urges/instincts to just take off into the great blue yonder, I’m determined to do this ass recovery some justice. Therefore, I’ll be entertaining myself, my crazy kitties, and perhaps my roommate as I attempt a few Pilates DVDs after work tonight. Wish me luck!


Considering that I’m not originally from Boston, I have to wonder what in the world people are thinking when they drive the way they do around here. I feel as if every single time I get behind the wheel, I’m entering the Masshole version of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Except this one isn’t nearly as entertaining and usually results in me waving my fists at the other drivers I encounter on the road.

While driving home the other night, as I witnessed yet another person make a right-hand turn from the far left lane (read: 4 lanes between where they were and where they needed to be in order to make a safe turn), I realized that I may never fully understand the Boston breed of driver I affectionately refer to as the “Massholios.” Unfortunately, my uber-curious brain decided this topic was perfect fodder for an evening of deep reflection and pondering. Enter the list of common road signs and their meanings that are obeyed by the general driving public and the Massholios’ interpretation of….the.exact.same.signs:

Stop Sign

To the Common Motorist: Stop all forward-moving progress. Continue after ensuring coast is clear.
To the Massholio:
Slow down to 15mph; continue through intersection. Bonus points if you cut off another motorist.


To the Common Motorist: Pedestrians in crosswalk have right-of-way. Stop all forward-moving progress when approaching a crosswalk that has someone in it.
To the Massholio:
See pedestrian in crosswalk, push gas pedal to floor, charge through intersection while grazing pedestrian’s arm with your side mirror. Bonus points if you give the pedestrian a dirty looks that says, “WTF are you in my way for?!” or lay on the horn in an attempt to scare the bejesus out of the pedestrian.

No Turn on RedNo Turn on Red

To the Common Motorist: No turn on red. Do not turn unless traffic light is GREEN.
To the Massholio:
Two options: 1. Blow through intersection as if you had a green light. 2. Wait for crossing traffic and cut right in front of them as you make your illegal turn.

School Zone

To the Common Motorist: School zone. Decrease speed and be aware of children in area. Pedestrians in crosswalk have the right-of-way.
To the Massholio:
Refer to crosswalk definition above; add 20-45mph to speed you are driving just before blowing by the school yard. Bonus points if you make a kid cry or pee their pants because you’ve just scared the crap out of them.

Speed Limit

To the Common Motorist: Speed must not exceed 55 miles per hour.
To the Massholio:
Speed limit, what speed limit? Don’t you know I HAVE TO BE SOMEWHERE?! Get out of my way as I swerve erratically through 7 lanes of traffic while driving 80-90mph because I will get there before the other 10,000 of you who are going the same direction. Bitches.

Yield Sign

To the Common Motorist: Yield to vehicles already in lane/on freeway. Traffic already in road has right-of-way. Use caution.
To the Massholio:
Two options: 1. Ignore sign completely and barrel onto route 93 as you narrowly miss clipping the car that you’ve now forced into the other lane because you didn’t bother to look before entering freeway. 2. Slow down just long enough to see the other car on the highway yet accelerate in an effort to get in front of them even though they’re most likely already traveling at 80-90mph (see above). Bonus points if you give them the finger even though you’re the one that cut them off.


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